I don't know who actually checks my blog regularly, but I just have to vent a little right now. Not so much vent, but I just want to get this out of me. Something huge happened the other day, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
When I say "what to do," I don't mean that my life is at a standstill. Things are still going strong here in my ministry, well, as strong as I can make them with God's help, of course. But this news that I got won't leave me. It haunts me now every single day that I wake up, throughout my whole day, and when I go to bed at night. It's not that I think it's a bad thing. It's just something huge that I know I need to do, but I don't want to. It's something super beneficial for me, but it's going to be super hard to actually do. I'm just going to say it:
I've been asked to step out of my ministry for 6 months.
Now, for almost everyone, that's like, "Oh, you get a 6-month vacation. How is that a bad thing?" I won't be vacationing during this time (except for Christmas and whatnot). I'll be back in Michigan for 4 months interning at my home church, Grace Christian Church, assisting the missions director in anything and everything she needs assistance. I'll be learning as I work about keeping a good volunteer base and support base, which is something I really need to learn more about. In April, I'll be heading to Mexico City to intern with some awesome people there in kids ministry. So, there isn't anything vacationy about this. It's more of a work-learn type thing, which is great for me because that's how I learn -- by doing. I'm excited about this opportunity, but, at the same time, I want to throw up.
Every time that I think about being gone for 6 MONTHS, I want to start bawling my eyes out. I feel like someone put one of those heavy duty rubber stoppers in my eyes, and there's a fire hose of emotions ready to burst out. I already cried twice since Tuesday, so that's how I know. Ever since I started working full time in my ministry, the longest I have left ministry was for 3 months, which was in the very beginning, so I wasn't really in it just yet. When I left that time, though, I felt this huge hole in my chest. I hope that my heart doesn't literally fall out of me this time, knowing that I won't be here for 6 MONTHS. SIX. MONTHS.
All these questions now flood my mind: is what I do still going to happen while I'm gone?? Will it still be effective?? Will the kids still want to come, or will they be too hurt and upset like last time??Will they be treated right?? Will the people covering for me know how to talk with Luis so that he respects and listens?? Will they know when Fernando is actually crying and when he's just throwing a fit?? Will they know how to treat him when that happens?? Will someone be there to talk with Miriam if she starts having her episodes again?? If I tell the people who will be covering for me all of these things, will they actually take it to heart and do it?? The biggest question is, what are Chava and Héctor, the boys I plan on adopting, going to think, now that I won't see them for six months??
Because all of these things are in my head, I can't seem to get anything done. Especially right now. I felt like if I got this all out, that it would help. The thing I really need to do, though, is give this all to God. I don't know why it's so hard right now. I'm usually pretty good at it. I'm not trying to take control of everything, but I feel so overwhelmed. Like, my mind is at a state of emptiness, but it's jammed with too much at the same time. I don't know how to explain it. I'm just really hurt about it. Not hurt, but upset. I mean, not really even upset, but, just, I don't know. Things are going to be ok. I know. I'm just really, really, REALLY going to miss all of this. Like, 6 months?? I know it's what I have to do, but it's going to be hard. This is going to be so beneficial for my ministry, my future family, and for me. Also, it's what I need to do so that I can be more effective in reaching these kids that God has given me. I don't want to, but I know that it's what God wants me to do. He's told me. I've just been denying it. And, it looks like right now is the opportune time to do so.
Thank you all for your time in reading this. Like, all 4 of you. I'm not planing on publishing this on Facebook, so no one is going to see it really. Just you all who had asked me to put you on my mailing list. I didn't really want anyone to see this anyway. But I believe that you guys are trustworthy and won't tell anyone 😉 I'm not ready to give this info to the world just yet, but I had to get this off my chest. Please pray for me right now: that God continues to shower me with peace and that He gives me a sound mind through it all. This blank, over-packed mind isn't letting me get much done, and I still want to get some stuff done before I go. I want to make these next two months the best two months yet. May God bless you all over-abundantly. I love you all so much, truly. God loves you all even more.
Not my will, God, but Yours be done.
No comments:
Post a Comment